letters to clay
first published in Studio Potter Vol. 41. No.1, January 2013
Prologue:
We started dating in college. After graduation, we took some time apart so that I could do some traveling. When I returned, things got really serious between us and we decided to move in together. We spent a number of years like this, and then the time came when the next logical step in the path of our relationship was marriage. I had been happy enough carrying on in our day‐ to‐day lives together, but when given the choice to wed, I realized that I was not ready to commit.
25 February 2011 Friday
Dear Clay,
We’ve been together for a long time and I am suddenly struck with the notion of forever in the context of me and you. It’s too much right now. I’m not ready for it. I need some time to think things through. I need some time to explore and find out more about myself and what I am looking for. I don’t know what I will find, but I know I need to look.
I want you to know and remember that you were my first love and you will always have that special place in my heart. But I think it's time for us to take a break.
I’ll be leaving in the morning.
16 March 2011 Wednesday
Dear Clay,
Now that we’re apart, I realize that I was asking too much of you—stretching you too far—expecting you to be what you are not—be a hinge, be a latch, be a lever. And that’s my fault. I understand that you aren’t those things—but that’s what I need right now. And Metal can provide me with these things in a way you never could. We had a pivotal moment together when I flowed solder for the first time. I can see that there is some potential to explore this relationship with Metal—some qualities that I know I admire. I actually think that you would really like each other and I hope that I will have the opportunity to introduce you one day.
22 April 2011 Friday
Dear Clay,
I had a dream about you last night. It was a reminder that I had lost track of you, that we have fallen out of touch.
After this short time with Metal, I can see that I wasn’t being challenged by you anymore. Metal isn’t fragile the way you are and can withstand being handled and tossed about—even being treated carelessly. Where you responded to the gentlest touch, Metal takes fire and hammer blows before bending to my desire.
8 June 2011 Wednesday
Dear Clay,
I was lured in by the purity of Paper’s smooth, seductive skin. There is an instant gratification with Paper—no molecular change, no need for fire. We could complete a project together in just one day. Speed. Timeliness. Things you could never give me. I always had to take care of you. Keep you damp or make you dry. Are you ready to be trimmed? Ready for a handle? Ready for the fire? I couldn’t leave you alone for a minute.
Paper seemed straightforward and I was drawn to that. But I was wrong. It didn’t take long to realize that Paper is boring; fussy, doesn’t like to get dirty, bends and creases far too easily. Ephemeral.
After seeing Steel in the distance one night, I longed for the dirt, sweat, fire, and hammers. I had a hard time going back to Paper. I realized that my companion needs to stand up to the flames and be willing to be transformed.
If you can’t survive a fire, I don’t want anything to do with you.
26 June 2011 Sunday
Dear Clay,
I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately. Everything reminds me of you. I think we should try this again, but in a different way. Our relationship in the past was so rigid, so purposeful, so functional. It was all work all the time. I think if we are willing to be a little looser, we could really have a chance. On my way to meet you tonight, I saw a fawn—just perched in a clear area in the forest. It was a symbol of a new beginning, a sign that our reunion is meant to be.
28 June 2011 Tuesday
Dear Clay,
I’m sorry. I’m just not ready. I’m not ready to be with you again. I thought things would be different. You appeared darker and stronger. You seemed more rugged than I remembered. But once it was just me and you, it was the same old you again...so soft, so loose, so flexible. You just kind of agree with me all the time and let me make all the decisions. I’m learning that we can fabricate our memories to convince ourselves of things we know are not true. Remember when I gave you the old “it’s not you, it’s me” line? Well...it is you. It’s you, Clay. I know it happened quickly, but I’m going away with Leather for a week. We’ve found this fabulous third floor studio with an amazing view of the mountains and we’re heading up there this afternoon.
11 July 2011 Monday
Dear Clay,
I don’t know what I was thinking...it’s embarrassing. Leather??? It was pure lust, full of dreams and promises of Italian vacations and a whole new wardrobe. I can’t believe I fell for that. There is no future for me with Leather.
26 July 2011 Tuesday
Dear Clay,
You are so frequently on my mind and I long for the comfort and softness of your touch, the way you nestle so gently against me, the way we respond to one another. But I must have faith in my exploration. I must have this time. I cleared it out for myself. Please, be patient.
30 July 2011 Saturday
Dear Clay,
People have been asking about us. They saw us together last night.
It was really comfortable to be with you again. We still understand each other in a way that no one else does. It was important for me to know that and remember it, but it was just one night. I must keep exploring.
22 August 2011 Monday
Dear Clay,
Perhaps monogamy is not the answer for me. How would you feel about that? I mean, do you think you would be open to the idea of hanging out with me and Steel together sometime? I think it could be good for us...all of us. Just think about it. When Steel gets hot and loosens up, we move quite fluidly together. I thought you could relate to that. I understand that you might be nervous. I’m sure you’ve heard about Steel...strong and rigid...and I can see how that would threaten your delicate nature. But if we get you fired first, I think you’ll be able to stand up to these qualities in Steel. And you know I have a delicate touch. You have to trust me. You don’t even need to touch Steel if you don’t want to—I’ve got this foam—I could keep you distanced a bit. Just think about it.
25 August 2011 Thursday
Dear clay,
I’m so happy you agreed to meet up with me and Steel last night. I could tell you were scared. I have to admit—I had mentioned to some people that I was considering getting together with the both of you, and they all thought I was crazy. They were all looking out for you, Clay—they were worried about you. But I knew it would be great—I’m glad you trusted me. And that foam—the perfect solution to keep you and Steel from getting too close. And...I know you were there...but I just need you to know the satisfaction I felt when I slid that copper rivet through Steel and then it passed into the space the foam was making between the two of you and finally reached your smooth white surface and you just opened up and let it in. I told you I would be gentle, didn’t I? And I was, wasn’t I? So delicate, so cautious, allowing Steel to support us and being mindful of how vulnerable you were feeling when I picked up that hammer. And blow after blow, you trusted me and you allowed the foam to help you stand tall beside Steel. And that copper rivet kept rolling over more and more with each strike, securely nestling into place. Simply brilliant. I hope you enjoyed it too...I’d like to try it again sometime. I think I’m starting to have a new kind of crush on you.
31 august 2011 Wednesday
Dear clay,
The fall is approaching. When I walked out of the coffee shop today, a crisp breeze brought down a curtain of yellow leaves. I felt a shudder of autumn rush through my body. It made me miss you. It made me miss those late nights with you, back in Shelburne Falls. You remember, don’t you? We would always listen to The Magnetic Fields’ “69 Love Songs.” It seemed so simple then.
I told you at the beginning of all this that it wasn’t you, it was me. Then I confessed that it really is you. At the time, that’s what I meant. But now, after all this exploring, it’s clear that it is me. I just can’t be satisfied in every way.
And maybe I don’t need to be. Maybe I only need the satisfaction that you can provide. You are soft and approachable each time I arrive. You are comfortable and familiar. It’s easy to be with you.
I thought I had been the one in control the whole time. Now I see how I allowed myself to be seduced by all of these options. I hopped on board and was swept away, week after week by the temptation of something new and different, something that had been promised to provide me with more than I had before. Sometimes the promise was fulfilled; sometimes, broken.
I’m confused, I’m tired, I’m empty, and with the autumn looming, I’m growing scared. But I think I’m going to stick this one out alone, Clay. I need some time to reflect on these last few months. Let’s make a plan to spend some time together this winter, okay? Just me and you. I’ll see you then.
